Saturday, April 16, 2011
Update - Okay so this crush of mine is totally taken by my old and dear friend! From what I heard last night they've been seeing each other for some time now but it is yet to be official. Upon hearing this I didn't cry but I felt disappointed. Last night however was an awesome night and I was with so many lovely friends that the news was bearable. I think in the past this may have stayed with me abd ruined a night. The only thing now is find someone else to oogle over. I have to say I met some very awesome people last night... Life is a funny ride and I just want to enjoy it. :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Mumbling Mess
I am used to my feelings being returned. I am not used to someone; A - With greater walls than my own; or B - Just simply not at all interested. Usually I go for people who are unavailable i.e. they are already taken, so if they don't return my feelings I never know. I've never actually gotten inbetween anyone's relationship. I had the hugest crush almost 1 1/2 years ago.. It was exhausting in that I thought of her all the time. I did have a window of opportunity a few times but I never took that step. It just doesn't feel right. I generally pick up or date people who I've met out. Everybody knows these things never work out and to be honest I think that is why it works for me. When I actually fall for someone who is available I immediately become the shyest person in the universe. I mumble, I stop talking, I avoid eye contact and my body language is either closed or completely obvious. The worst thing I do is actually become so shy that I stop all contact with that person so as to prevent completely embarrassing myself. Now there are times where I am not this excruciating and I relish these moments. But I fear that I will never be in a functioning relationship! I haven't been interested in anyone for a while and let me tell you it is very boring! However in the recent past some old feelings have came up for someone. This person is really hard to read. I don't know her enough to say if we would really be compatible. And to be honest I really feel that she is not interested in me because she has a misguided opinion of me. It makes me sad to think that she sees me as merely a sympathising, drunken mess whose airy and without substance. Now this couldn't be further from the truth apart from the drunken mess and airy part. I will admit to being a drunken mess on many occasions especially when it is preceeded by anxiety. Anxiety which may have been on occasion exaccerbated by her prescence in fact. Whether she is available at this point is tbc. Most likely this weekend. She may be seeing a very old and good friend of mine. And if this is the case I will immediately tear up and then try to think of everything I can to; a - avoid her; b - get my mind of her. I will also hold on to hope that there is a chane but in time I will accept this as false. I hate getting hurt and I think that if she is with this friend of mine it is probably good practise in growing thick skin because I usually don't like people who may be real options. To be honest I have no idea if we would be compatible anyway. But despite how scary it would be for me I would like the opportunity of finding this out. Time will tell and then I'll tell you :)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
When I think of security I think of driving through a thick forest just as Sunset begins. The windows are slightly down so the fresh air crisps my hands. But I do not notice as I'm warmed by the familiar presense of the man driving beside me.
When I think of seduction I think of sitting in a Bar in Montreal as a local Band is playing and the lady sharing my table has her knee pointing to mine. As the music plays the rest of her body follows and soon we are sharing a moment.
When I think of the one I think of the tall gentle giant. He has dark curly hair and a seductive intellect. His face shows me his soul and stride shows me his intentions. He has comedic timing and he is a creative genius. He likes the simple things like, red wine, bush walks, and staring at each other's face on a Sunday afternoon.
When I think of what I want, I think of her. She is tall and plain but she has so much soul. She holds me and i feel vulnerable. I feel so much more vulnerable around her than around a man. It's as if she knows me better than I know myself as our body entangles one another's.
The difference for me between being inlove with a woman and being with a man is that She sees me, and I see Him. What is that saying? I am not sure. And whether that will change I do not know either.
When I think of seduction I think of sitting in a Bar in Montreal as a local Band is playing and the lady sharing my table has her knee pointing to mine. As the music plays the rest of her body follows and soon we are sharing a moment.
When I think of the one I think of the tall gentle giant. He has dark curly hair and a seductive intellect. His face shows me his soul and stride shows me his intentions. He has comedic timing and he is a creative genius. He likes the simple things like, red wine, bush walks, and staring at each other's face on a Sunday afternoon.
When I think of what I want, I think of her. She is tall and plain but she has so much soul. She holds me and i feel vulnerable. I feel so much more vulnerable around her than around a man. It's as if she knows me better than I know myself as our body entangles one another's.
The difference for me between being inlove with a woman and being with a man is that She sees me, and I see Him. What is that saying? I am not sure. And whether that will change I do not know either.
Self-doubt... Gosh that is so debilitating...
I have been feeling like I need change.. like my soul needs to be nutured and the only way for me to do that is to move to Montreal and study Creative Writing and/or Film....
Well that's what was going on in my head. And last night I started thinking maybe this won't happen. Maybe I am just daydreaming this in order to escape my current reality and to be honest that is what I do often.
But the truth is I do need change and may be it won't happen exactly as I am picturing it... but I need to - not rediscover myself - but actually for the first time DISCOVER myself... I am craving a creative enviorment.
I thought the picture above was fitting :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wow 2010.. what a year so far.... Astrologically it is the year for virgo's and probably the rest of the Zodiac too... Saturn has left and I can definitely tell...
They say Saturn is a time for learning lessons.. I have learnt so much at the age of 24... But unfortunately have not had the ample time to put those lessons into practie.
2010 has had me pushing myself in certain areas especially my sexual identity.. although there is a long road ahead.. i have had encounters with so many like-minded and inspirational people... More than any other year of my life I'm sad to say. I am not sure if it is me putting myself out there or the universe.. I like to think it's been a team effort.
It seems the more I speak my truth whether it be 'I am attracted to girls' or talking new age spiritual stuff, the more I attrack those I resonate with.
For a long time I have been attracted to women but growing up i lived a very striaght life surrounded by all those mainstream ideas which I did not relate to... It has and remians a struggle to be completely open with my sexuality. I am really anxious to tell some people for fear of their response. I am not totally accepted by those I used to call best friends and family. In fact I still haven't come out to my whole family... I can't imagine coming out to a lot them, EVER!... they just wouldn't understand.
I also don't fit into the 'lesbian' world well not the fashionable one. I just don't like the idea of labeling myself. There is always a possibility that i will fall in love with a man. In fact when i was younger I thought I had.
I have not had that experience with a women yet. I would put that down to the stage of life I am in however, rather then an inability ot fall inlove with a person who happens to be female.
Why do people need to fit in? Why do ppl seek acceptance despite what it might take to do so?
Of course I want to be accepted a lot of the time. And joining my AFL team this year has really felt great. I am around a lot of other chicks who are into chicks and I fell I can express myself without those uncomfortable moments of straight women thinking 'Has she ever liked me?' or post-traumatic stress-like flashes of lesbian sex.lol
They say Saturn is a time for learning lessons.. I have learnt so much at the age of 24... But unfortunately have not had the ample time to put those lessons into practie.
2010 has had me pushing myself in certain areas especially my sexual identity.. although there is a long road ahead.. i have had encounters with so many like-minded and inspirational people... More than any other year of my life I'm sad to say. I am not sure if it is me putting myself out there or the universe.. I like to think it's been a team effort.
It seems the more I speak my truth whether it be 'I am attracted to girls' or talking new age spiritual stuff, the more I attrack those I resonate with.
For a long time I have been attracted to women but growing up i lived a very striaght life surrounded by all those mainstream ideas which I did not relate to... It has and remians a struggle to be completely open with my sexuality. I am really anxious to tell some people for fear of their response. I am not totally accepted by those I used to call best friends and family. In fact I still haven't come out to my whole family... I can't imagine coming out to a lot them, EVER!... they just wouldn't understand.
I also don't fit into the 'lesbian' world well not the fashionable one. I just don't like the idea of labeling myself. There is always a possibility that i will fall in love with a man. In fact when i was younger I thought I had.
I have not had that experience with a women yet. I would put that down to the stage of life I am in however, rather then an inability ot fall inlove with a person who happens to be female.
Why do people need to fit in? Why do ppl seek acceptance despite what it might take to do so?
Of course I want to be accepted a lot of the time. And joining my AFL team this year has really felt great. I am around a lot of other chicks who are into chicks and I fell I can express myself without those uncomfortable moments of straight women thinking 'Has she ever liked me?' or post-traumatic stress-like flashes of lesbian sex.lol
Thursday, December 10, 2009
BELLY OF THE BEAST
I've decided to share an old open poem I wrote sometime in 2007. It's called 'Belly of the Beast'
I catch her look piercing my eyes, this quivering feeling all the way to my thighs. The bone is dropped from my back ... its telling me he's here, he's about to attack,
I turn for the exit and run, all intentions - lost and undone. My body isn't here for this - no feeling, nothing to show; my inner spirit isn't up for this, what is she feeling? I can't know.
I think I've come too far down here - all is collapsing in, I don't know what I'm doing here, I've got to leave - the hungry black beast spills in.
His belly the only place for this, the only place I know. Calling out in echoes of silence, no place of shelter, nothing, "no!" Deep down inside of me a place that cannot be seen, I trip into a hole sometimes, traps set long ago by someone – namely me.
It happens without warning, the beast is let off his leash. I never know when he's hungry, his tummy is churning. Sinking into my world now, no control, no place, I am digested and broken down, into this whirl-pool I drown. Like the belly of the beast the story goes, this cliché, this hollowness, without shape how can I grow? How can I leave this place without all of me? I need to suck it all in before I fall, before I can leave, before I can let go just to breathe.
But it happens here every time, all progress erased away, her depths like an ocean's swallow me whole, lurking the floor he smells his prey.
In his belly this air so thickened and stale no colour, so dark, my instincts fail. I want to leave this rotten place; I've been trying to get myself together. But something is missing, what that is I don't know. It’s so hard to see in here, to feel free to be, it’s so hard without all of me. So round and round I go - feeding his belly, my outline fades - all is let go.
I turn for the exit and run, all intentions - lost and undone. My body isn't here for this - no feeling, nothing to show; my inner spirit isn't up for this, what is she feeling? I can't know.
I think I've come too far down here - all is collapsing in, I don't know what I'm doing here, I've got to leave - the hungry black beast spills in.
His belly the only place for this, the only place I know. Calling out in echoes of silence, no place of shelter, nothing, "no!" Deep down inside of me a place that cannot be seen, I trip into a hole sometimes, traps set long ago by someone – namely me.
It happens without warning, the beast is let off his leash. I never know when he's hungry, his tummy is churning. Sinking into my world now, no control, no place, I am digested and broken down, into this whirl-pool I drown. Like the belly of the beast the story goes, this cliché, this hollowness, without shape how can I grow? How can I leave this place without all of me? I need to suck it all in before I fall, before I can leave, before I can let go just to breathe.
But it happens here every time, all progress erased away, her depths like an ocean's swallow me whole, lurking the floor he smells his prey.
In his belly this air so thickened and stale no colour, so dark, my instincts fail. I want to leave this rotten place; I've been trying to get myself together. But something is missing, what that is I don't know. It’s so hard to see in here, to feel free to be, it’s so hard without all of me. So round and round I go - feeding his belly, my outline fades - all is let go.
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