Mumbling Mess

I am used to my feelings being returned. I am not used to someone; A - With greater walls than my own; or B - Just simply not at all interested. Usually I go for people who are unavailable i.e. they are already taken, so if they don't return my feelings I never know. I've never actually gotten inbetween anyone's relationship. I had the hugest crush almost 1 1/2 years ago.. It was exhausting in that I thought of her all the time. I did have a window of opportunity a few times but I never took that step. It just doesn't feel right. I generally pick up or date people who I've met out. Everybody knows these things never work out and to be honest I think that is why it works for me. When I actually fall for someone who is available I immediately become the shyest person in the universe. I mumble, I stop talking, I avoid eye contact and my body language is either closed or completely obvious. The worst thing I do is actually become so shy that I stop all contact with that person so as to prevent completely embarrassing myself. Now there are times where I am not this excruciating and I relish these moments. But I fear that I will never be in a functioning relationship! I haven't been interested in anyone for a while and let me tell you it is very boring! However in the recent past some old feelings have came up for someone. This person is really hard to read. I don't know her enough to say if we would really be compatible. And to be honest I really feel that she is not interested in me because she has a misguided opinion of me. It makes me sad to think that she sees me as merely a sympathising, drunken mess whose airy and without substance. Now this couldn't be further from the truth apart from the drunken mess and airy part. I will admit to being a drunken mess on many occasions especially when it is preceeded by anxiety. Anxiety which may have been on occasion exaccerbated by her prescence in fact. Whether she is available at this point is tbc. Most likely this weekend. She may be seeing a very old and good friend of mine. And if this is the case I will immediately tear up and then try to think of everything I can to; a - avoid her; b - get my mind of her. I will also hold on to hope that there is a chane but in time I will accept this as false. I hate getting hurt and I think that if she is with this friend of mine it is probably good practise in growing thick skin because I usually don't like people who may be real options. To be honest I have no idea if we would be compatible anyway. But despite how scary it would be for me I would like the opportunity of finding this out. Time will tell and then I'll tell you :)